you, again

you warmed up to the idea of being with me while I was with her. I think had she been a man, you wouldn’t have held my hand under the table, knowing my other hand was in hers. but the way your hand felt in mine brought back so many feelings I had hoped were dead and gone. It seems my feelings about you will never actually leave me. oh how that idea taunts me. I actually never wanted to love you. I never wanted to have any strong feeling towards you. yet after all this time here it is, whatever “it” is.

“when you leave the lifestyle, you know where to find me”

you never did truly know me. why was I so enamored? after all this time, I still can feel your gaze radiating inside me. even now, with my eyes wide open, I don’t understand why. 

oh you used to be someone I loved to dream about. 

Why do I always blog on leg day? Fantastic question! I don’t have the answer. 

Anyway, I’m having a chaos thriving kind of day and I’m loving it.

That’s it. That’s the update!

chaotic update for a chaotic time

well, first off, it's leg day and a sunny day so I think I win the happiness lottery.

on another note, 

we had a junction box light on fire and are very lucky to say our house didn't go up in flames. I'm grateful all my loved ones are okay. it's a bit of an expensive fix because we're going above and beyond to make sure it doesn't happen again but that's worth it.

I picked up Grandma's diamond. it's absolutely beautiful but it did feel like a kick in the chest for a while there. now it feels like I expected it to - an honor to have the symbol of so many decades of love.

I tried to empty out my saved voicemails. I have to airdrop one at a time to my computer. I made the mistake of listening to some of them and ended up crying hard enough my (recently filled) stomach hurt and had to quit. so that was fun. it would be easier if the voicemails still said who they were from (mostly dad but some others as well) but they're so old that eventually they're all listed as "unknown" and the number itself also says "unknown". so I went back to the beginning, 2014, and just sent one at a time to a folder on my computer to be sorted another time.

also I'm machine washing a sweater I crocheted and its the first time so wish me luck. hope I didn't just torpedo all my work before even wearing the dang thing.

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Wellllll, for about a week the kids were battling a stomach bug but thankfully seem better now. Last night my mom and I went to get my grandma’s diamond re-set. I’m hoping no one is upset I have it but I’m really excited. It’s really sweet of her to leave it to me and I hope she’d approve of what I picked out for it too. 

Aaaanyway, I’ve been feeling grateful and positive again. Which makes me very happy. I struggled through the boys being sick but I seem to be going back to that positive state pretty easily. I’ve only worked out once this week so hopefully getting back to that soon tooo. 

where’s my noodle arms

I worked out yesterday (arms) and I have no noodles today. Go figure. 

Because I deserved it

I had a productive and positive day. I worked out, I showered (washed my hair and shaved my legs even), changed the sheets on the bed and finished a crochet scarf. I read my book while waiting to get the boys and emptied the dishwasher. A ton of little things that I struggle with when I’m down but I deserved to have them done and deserve the positivity from doing them. 

Go me 😊

I want to be alive again

Looking back at old photos, it’s like watching myself decay. The way I’ve changed, my smile lessened, my face changing entirely. My body feeling more foreign. I want to be me again. I want to be alive again. 

Here goes nothing.